Intergenerational Pressure: The Hidden Weight Carried by Children of Immigrants

For many children of immigrants, gratitude is a constant backdrop to their upbringing. After all, their parents often made enormous sacrifices — leaving behind careers, family, language, and identity — all in pursuit of a “better life” for the next generation. But while this origin story can be empowering, it also creates an invisible pressure to succeed, to make the sacrifice “worth it,” and to never falter.

This pressure often leads to anxiety, perfectionism, and burnout. And because it’s rooted in love and survival, it can be incredibly difficult to talk about — especially with immigrant parents who may not understand the emotional weight their children are carrying.

“Make Us Proud”: The Cost of Living Up to a Legacy

Many immigrant parents come from contexts where survival was prioritized over emotional expression. Mental health struggles were not openly discussed; success was defined by stability, status, and financial security. For their children, that often translates to:

• Feeling guilty for being overwhelmed by school or work, knowing their parents “had it worse.”

• Avoiding conversations about struggle, fearing disappointment.

• Choosing careers based on safety or family expectation, not personal passion.

• Never feeling good enough, despite achievements.

The narrative of “we came here for you” becomes internalized. Children of immigrants often feel that their parents’ sacrifices must be repaid through excellence — even if it means sacrificing their own well-being.

The Double Life

A common theme in therapy with children of immigrants is the double life:

• One self that is competent, grateful, successful — the “good child.”

• Another that is anxious, unsure, grieving, or lost — the side that stays hidden.

They may smile and reassure their parents, while quietly dealing with panic attacks, burnout, or identity confusion. Often, the pressure to protect their parents from worry keeps them from seeking support.

Cultural Nuances and Mental Health

In many cultures, talking about emotions is taboo, and mental illness is associated with weakness or shame. This can prevent immigrant families from recognizing emotional distress in their children. Well-meaning phrases like:

• “Just work harder.”

• “You have nothing to be sad about.”

• “We didn’t have therapy in our day.”

…can leave young adults feeling invalidated, stuck between two worlds — neither of which feel fully safe.

Reframing Responsibility

It’s possible to honour your parents’ sacrifices without making your life a performance of gratitude. Being mentally and emotionally well is not a betrayal — it’s a continuation of their dream for you to thrive. Here are some ways to manage this internalized pressure:

• Name it: Acknowledge the narrative of over-functioning or perfectionism that has shaped your behaviour.

• Talk with others: You’re not alone. So many second-generation immigrants share this experience.

• Seek culturally sensitive therapy: A therapist who understands cultural and generational dynamics can help.

• Redefine success: Explore what you want, what fulfillment looks like for you — beyond your family’s expectations.

• Forgive imperfection: You’re not required to be extraordinary to justify your existence.

Supporting Clients as Mental Health Professionals

If you’re a therapist working with second-generation immigrants:

• Ask about family dynamics and cultural values.

• Explore their internalized beliefs around success, pressure, and failure.

• Help them separate their own voice from their family's expectations.

• Be mindful not to pathologize — often these struggles come from resilience, not dysfunction.

Healing for these clients often involves learning to be tender with themselves, to forgive themselves for being human — not just a symbol of success.

Final Thoughts

To the children of immigrants who are quietly carrying the weight of two generations: your story matters. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to struggle. You are allowed to choose joy over obligation.

Your worth is not measured by how well you uphold someone else’s dream. You are not just the product of sacrifice — you are a whole person, with your own story to tell.