When Grief Returns: Navigating Anniversaries, Birthdays, and Milestones

Grief doesn’t follow a linear path. Even after months or years, it has a way of creeping back in—quietly, powerfully—especially around certain dates. Birthdays, death anniversaries, holidays, and other meaningful milestones can reawaken sorrow we thought we had moved through. These moments, often called "grief bursts" or "grief waves," are a natural part of the mourning process and don’t mean we’re back at square one.

In fact, revisiting grief is often a sign of how deeply we’ve loved and how much the person we lost continues to shape our lives.

Why Anniversaries Stir Grief

Dates hold power. Our minds and bodies remember time differently than calendars do. As the anniversary of a loss approaches, we may find ourselves feeling anxious, irritable, low on energy, or emotional—sometimes without even realizing why. These responses are often subconscious: the body recalls trauma or sadness even if the mind isn't consciously focused on the date.

We’re also surrounded by cultural cues that emphasize celebration and togetherness. Birthdays, holidays, or even the changing of the seasons can highlight the absence of our loved one. The world feels like it’s moving on, but grief can make us feel frozen in time.

The Myth of “Getting Over It”

There’s a dangerous idea in our culture that grief should end after a certain amount of time. But milestones remind us that loss is ongoing. We don’t “get over” losing someone we love. We learn to live alongside the loss, to integrate it into our story.

Grief may change shape over time—from raw pain to quiet longing, from sharp tears to gentle remembrance—but it never fully disappears. And that’s okay. Anniversaries offer us a moment to acknowledge this truth.

How to Navigate Grief Milestones

There is no “right” way to honour or approach anniversaries and milestones. Some people want to mark the day with ceremony or celebration. Others want to ignore it completely. Both are valid. What matters is doing what feels most supportive for you in the moment.

Here are a few suggestions to help navigate these tender days:

1. Plan Ahead

Anticipating the date can help you regain a sense of control. Consider where you want to be, who you want to be with, and what you might need—rest, reflection, distraction, connection.

2. Create a Ritual

Light a candle. Visit a meaningful place. Listen to a song that reminds you of them. Write them a letter. Create a new tradition that feels personal and grounding.

3. Talk About Them

Speak their name. Share stories. Look at photos or call someone who loved them too. Keeping their memory alive can ease the ache of absence.

4. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

There’s no need to be strong or stoic. Let yourself cry, laugh, rage, or feel numb. All emotions are welcome. Grief doesn’t need to look a certain way.

5. Take a Grief Break

Sometimes, distraction is okay too. Watch a favorite movie. Go for a walk. Get lost in a book or a show. You’re not dishonouring their memory by taking care of yourself.

6. Reach Out for Support

Let your support system know the date is coming. You don’t have to go through it alone. Whether it’s a friend, family member, therapist, or support group, having someone to check in with can make a huge difference.

The Love That Remains

If grief returns suddenly and painfully on an important day, remember: this doesn’t mean you’ve failed or regressed. It means the love is still there. The missing is still there. And that’s a sign of how much that person meant—and still means—to you.

Anniversaries are bookmarks in the story of our loss. They offer us a chance to pause, remember, and reflect—not to reopen a wound, but to honour a connection that will always live within us.

Grief isn’t about forgetting. It’s about remembering with love.