Title: Anticipatory Grief: When You Start Mourning Before the Loss Happens

Grief is most commonly thought of as something that happens after a loss. But for many people, it begins before the loss ever occurs. This is called anticipatory grief—the complex and layered emotions that arise when we know a significant loss is coming.

Whether it’s the terminal illness of a loved one, the slow progression of dementia, or even the looming end of a relationship or job, anticipatory grief is valid and very real. And yet, it often goes unnamed or unrecognized by others—and sometimes, even by ourselves.

What Is Anticipatory Grief?

Anticipatory grief refers to the mourning that begins before the actual death, departure, or loss. It’s the emotional process of preparing for something that hasn’t happened yet—but feels inevitable.

This kind of grief is not just about sadness. It can also include:

Fear and anxiety
Anger or resentment
Guilt about wanting the suffering to end
Hopelessness or numbness
Deep loneliness and longing
Waves of love and tenderness

It can feel confusing to grieve someone who is still alive, especially when they may appear to be physically present but emotionally or cognitively slipping away. You may begin imagining what life will be like without them, and start to mourn the future you know is slipping out of reach.

When Does It Happen?

Anticipatory grief can arise in many situations:

A family member receiving a terminal diagnosis
Watching a loved one slowly decline due to Alzheimer’s or another degenerative disease
A relationship unraveling long before the official breakup or divorce
Losing a community or homeland due to displacement or immigration
A major life transition that signals the end of an era (e.g., graduating, retirement, a child moving out)

In these cases, there’s often a period of waiting—sometimes weeks, sometimes years—where grief quietly builds in the background.

The Emotional Toll of Waiting

One of the hardest parts of anticipatory grief is the emotional ambiguity. You’re grieving, but nothing has technically “ended” yet. Others might expect you to be strong or hopeful, and you may feel guilty for your sorrow. You might even judge yourself for “giving up too soon.”

This liminal space—between holding on and letting go—can be exhausting. You may feel like you’re cycling through different emotional seasons in a single day. One moment you’re caretaking, the next you’re grieving, and then you’re smiling at a memory. It’s disorienting.

This is particularly true in situations like dementia, where you may lose someone emotionally long before you lose them physically. You might find yourself grieving the version of them that no longer exists, while still needing to show up and care for who they are now.

How to Cope with Anticipatory Grief

Name it Simply recognizing that what you’re experiencing is anticipatory grief can be a huge relief. You’re not “being dramatic” or “worrying too much.” You’re responding to an emotional reality that your body and heart already understand.
Feel without rushing Let yourself feel the sadness, the anger, the hope, the guilt. There’s no right way to grieve. Let the emotions come and go without trying to fix or suppress them.
Lean into support Talk to someone—a therapist, a support group, a trusted friend. You’re carrying a lot, and you don’t have to do it alone.
Practice presence This kind of grief is all about time slipping away. But rather than anticipating the loss every moment, try to be present for the time that remains. This doesn’t mean ignoring the grief—it means making space for both grief and connection.
Create meaning If it feels right, find ways to honor the person or situation while they’re still here. That might look like making memory books, writing letters, having important conversations, or simply spending intentional time together.
Forgive yourself If you find yourself resenting the situation or even wishing it would end so you can move forward, you’re not a bad person. You’re human. Grief is complex, and so are you.

Closing Thoughts

Anticipatory grief reminds us that endings aren’t always sudden. Sometimes they arrive slowly, in layers, like dusk turning into night. If you’re in this kind of grief, know that it’s valid. You’re not “jumping the gun.” You’re feeling the truth of what’s coming—and your heart is trying to prepare.

You’re allowed to mourn even while holding someone’s hand. You’re allowed to cry in between moments of laughter. You’re allowed to begin healing, even before the final goodbye.

Nereah Felix is an EMDR therapist at Catharsis Psychology and Psychotherapy.