“Lucky to Be Here?”: The Myth of Gratitude and the Immigrant Experience

“Be grateful. At least you’re here.”

This phrase — often well-meaning — is one that many immigrants hear regularly from family members, community leaders, or even strangers. It’s a phrase rooted in the idea that leaving a conflict-ridden, impoverished, or unstable homeland for a “better life” in the West is a gift, a privilege not to be questioned.

But for many immigrants, especially those who migrated as children or were born to immigrant parents, this narrative can feel suffocating and invalidating — and it can have significant consequences for mental health.

Gratitude as a Silencer

The pressure to be grateful can make it difficult to name pain. When someone has escaped political unrest, financial hardship, or social instability, their distress in a new environment is often dismissed or minimized.

“You’re lucky to have food and housing now.”
“You should be thankful you’re not in danger anymore.”
“Other people would kill to have your opportunities.”

These statements may be true — but they overlook the emotional realities of migration: the loss of home, culture, language, family, identity, and belonging. When immigrants experience grief, culture shock, or loneliness, they may feel guilty for feeling anything but thankful.

This is what psychologists sometimes call toxic gratitude — when the expectation to be grateful becomes a barrier to acknowledging pain or seeking support.

How This Impacts Mental Health

When gratitude is weaponized or expected, it can distort one’s relationship to their feelings and their healing journey.

Suppressed grief: Many immigrants never get to fully grieve the life they left behind because they’re expected to “move on” quickly.
Internalized guilt: Feeling sad, angry, or overwhelmed may come with shame — as if those feelings betray the sacrifices of their parents or community.
Overachievement as proof: To justify their presence, some immigrants push themselves to extremes in academics, careers, or family roles, leading to burnout.
Disconnection from self: Constantly policing one’s emotions to appear grateful can cause people to lose touch with their own needs and values.

Reframing the Narrative

Gratitude and grief can coexist. Feeling blessed to have opportunities doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel the weight of migration. Here’s how we can shift the narrative:

Allow for emotional complexity: Gratitude isn’t invalidated by sadness, anger, or fatigue. In fact, true gratitude holds space for truth.
Validate your experience: You can honour your family’s sacrifices and acknowledge the pain of starting over. Both can be true.
Redefine what it means to be “lucky”: Being safe is a privilege — but it doesn’t cancel out the emotional labor required to build a new life.
Seek culturally sensitive therapy: A mental health professional who understands the immigrant experience can help unpack guilt, grief, and identity conflict without judgment.

For Families and Communities

If you’re a parent or elder in an immigrant household, be mindful of how gratitude is spoken about. Instead of saying “you should be grateful,” try asking:

“How are you adjusting?”
“What do you miss?”
“What’s been hard?”

Normalize the emotional weight of migration. Just because someone is “safe” or “has opportunity” doesn’t mean they’re thriving. Emotional support is not a betrayal of gratitude — it’s an expression of it.

A Final Word

To the immigrant who feels like they’re failing because they’re not always thankful — you are not alone. Gratitude is not a cure for grief. You are allowed to feel lost, tired, resentful, overwhelmed — and still be deserving of love and support.

Healing begins when we can hold all of our truths. When we stop trying to earn our right to be here, and start acknowledging that just surviving this journey has already proven our worth.

You are not “lucky” to be here. You are resilient, complex, and enough — just as you are.

Grishma Dahal is a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) at Catharsis Psychology and Psychotherapy.