Grief After Breakup: Mourning the Living

When we think about grief, we often associate it with death. But some of the most intense grief we experience in life comes when we lose someone who is still alive—a breakup, separation, or divorce can feel just as destabilizing as a physical death. And yet, this kind of grief is often minimized, misunderstood, or left unacknowledged by others, and sometimes even by ourselves.

Why Breakup Grief Hits So Hard

The end of a relationship, especially one where love still lingers, brings with it the loss of shared dreams, a future imagined, rituals created together, and the simple comfort of knowing someone intimately and being known. You're not just grieving the person—you’re grieving the version of yourself that existed in that relationship.

Whether the breakup was mutual, sudden, or slow and painful, there’s a rupture. The attachment you built doesn’t dissolve instantly. Your body, brain, and heart still carry the echoes of connection, and this can create a deep sense of confusion and longing, even when the relationship wasn’t healthy.

Symptoms of Post-Breakup Grief

Grief after a breakup is real grief. You might experience:

• Sleeplessness or oversleeping

• A deep ache or heaviness in your chest

• Loss of appetite or overeating

• Obsessive thoughts about the person or relationship

• Emotional numbness, anxiety, or panic attacks

• Shame, guilt, or self-blame

• Difficulty concentrating or staying motivated

These are normal. They are not signs of weakness. They’re your body and mind reacting to an emotional injury.

Disenfranchised Grief: When No One Gets It

One of the hardest parts about post-breakup grief is how unsupported it often feels. People might say things like:

• “At least no one died.”

• “You’ll find someone else.”

• “You were too good for them anyway.”

While these comments may be well-intentioned, they can feel dismissive. Breakup grief is often disenfranchised grief—a type of grief that’s not socially recognized. But mourning someone who is still alive brings its own unique pain. You might see them move on, post online, or hear about them through mutual friends. It’s a loss you can't bury, one that continues to live in the background.

The Rollercoaster of Healing

Healing from a breakup is rarely linear. Some days, you feel like you're finally okay. Other days, it hits you like a tidal wave. The triggers can be anything—a song, a scent, a show you used to watch together.

It’s also common to feel ambivalent: missing the person and being angry with them at the same time; feeling freedom and also loneliness; craving closure while not really wanting to talk. This emotional push-pull is part of recalibrating your nervous system and identity after a deep attachment has ended.

Honouring the Loss

Instead of rushing to “get over it,” what if we allowed ourselves to grieve?

Some ways to honour the grief:

• Write a letter you never send - Say everything you didn’t get to say or need to express. This can be a powerful way to process what feels unresolved.

• Create a ritual to let go - Burn a candle, say goodbye, release a shared object—rituals help us mark transitions and give shape to invisible emotions.

• Set emotional boundaries - If staying connected (even digitally) is keeping the pain alive, it may be wise to limit or end contact, at least for a while.

• Talk about it - With a therapist, a trusted friend, or a support group. Breakup grief is less isolating when shared with others who get it.

Reclaiming Yourself

When we lose a relationship, we also sometimes lose the parts of ourselves that were wrapped up in that person. The healing journey is as much about grieving the loss as it is about reconnecting with yourself—your values, your dreams, your joy. This is the time to rediscover the parts of you that may have been quieted or forgotten.

Ask yourself:

• Who was I before this relationship?

• What do I want to return to—or let go of?

• What kind of love do I want to create moving forward, with myself and others?

Closing Thoughts

Breakup grief is a form of heartbreak that deserves compassion. It's a loss of shared time, identity, and connection—but it also marks the beginning of something new. Not right away, and not without pain—but eventually. You are not broken for feeling broken. You are human, and you are healing.

Grishma Dahal is a Registered Psychotherapist at Catharsis Psychology and Psychotherapy.