Being Real vs. Being Nice: The Trap of Politeness

Let’s get into it — being nice is overrated. There, I said it. We’re taught from an early age to smile, be polite, avoid conflict, and keep the peace, even when we’re uncomfortable, disrespected, or straight-up angry. But here’s the hard truth: “nice” can be a mask, and sometimes, that mask keeps us stuck, small, and disconnected from what we actually feel.

What’s the Difference Between Being Real and Being Nice?

Being Nice: Saying what people want to hear. Avoiding discomfort. Agreeing to avoid conflict. Hiding how you really feel. Smiling when you want to scream.
Being Real: Saying what’s true for you. Facing discomfort when needed. Standing up for your values. Letting people know where you actually stand. Respecting yourself and others.

Being nice is about comfort. Being real is about courage.

Why We Get Stuck in Niceness

Let’s be honest — niceness is safe. We think it protects us from rejection, conflict, or being labeled as “difficult.” For many people (especially women, queer folks, or anyone socialized to keep the peace), niceness was survival. You might’ve been rewarded for being agreeable or punished for speaking up.

But niceness has a cost. When you’re constantly nice, you start to override your own needs, your own voice, and your own truth. That leads to:

Resentment: You’re saying yes when you want to say no.
Burnout: You’re carrying emotional labor that isn’t yours.
Disconnection: People don’t know the real you — only the agreeable version.

The Trap: Politeness as a Barrier to Honesty

Let’s say someone crosses a boundary — makes a rude comment, dismisses your idea, or takes credit for your work.Niceness says: “It’s fine, no big deal.”Realness says: “Hey, that didn’t sit right with me. Can we talk about it?”

Being nice keeps things smooth. Being real keeps things honest.One leads to surface peace. The other leads to real respect.

Why Being Real Builds Better Relationships

When you’re real, people know where they stand with you. There’s no guessing, no walking on eggshells, no silent resentment brewing under the surface. That builds trust — even if it means some initial discomfort.

And here’s the wild part — being real doesn’t mean being rude or aggressive. You can be honest and kind at the same time.

“I can’t take that on right now, but I appreciate you asking.”“That comment didn’t sit well with me. Can we unpack it?”“I need to be honest — I’m not okay with this.”

These aren’t mean. They’re clear, respectful, and real.

How to Break the Niceness Habit

Notice when you’re defaulting to “nice.”Ask yourself: Am I being honest, or just avoiding discomfort?
Practice micro-honesty.Start small. Say what you want for dinner, or speak up when something feels off. Build the muscle.
Remember: Discomfort isn’t danger.Not everyone will love your honesty — but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Discomfort is often the price of genuine connection.
Check your motivation.Are you being nice to be kind — or to be liked? There’s a difference.

Final Thoughts

Being nice can feel easier, but being real feels better. It’s what leads to authentic relationships, self-respect, and freedom from the exhausting need to please everyone.

So the next time you feel the pressure to be “nice,” pause.Ask yourself: What’s true for me right now?And choose to be real — even if your voice shakes.

Because in the end, people don’t need you to be perfect or pleasing.They need you to be you.