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What Is Attachment Theory?
Have you ever wondered why some people feel secure in relationships while others struggle with fear of abandonment, emotional distance, or unhealthy dynamics? The answer often lies in attachment theory, which explains how early childhood experiences shape our relationship behaviours as adults.
Your attachment style affects how you connect, communicate, and handle intimacy in relationships. Understanding it can help you build healthier connections, recognize unhelpful patterns, and work toward a more secure attachment style.
In this blog, we’ll explore the four main attachment styles, how they develop, and how they influence relationships.
The Four Attachment Styles
Attachment theory, originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, identifies four main attachment styles:
Secure Attachment – Comfortable with intimacy and independence.
Anxious Attachment – Craves closeness but fears abandonment.
Avoidant Attachment – Struggles with intimacy and values independence.
Disorganized Attachment – A mix of anxious and avoidant behaviours, often rooted in trauma.
Each style develops based on how caregivers responded to emotional needs in childhood.
Secure Attachment: The Healthy Foundation
Characteristics:
✔️ Comfortable with emotional closeness.
✔️ Communicates needs effectively.
✔️ Balances independence with intimacy.
✔️ Trusts their partner and relationship stability.
How It Develops:
Children with secure attachments had emotionally available, responsive caregivers. Their needs were met consistently, making them feel safe, valued, and loved.
How It Affects Relationships:
People with secure attachment form healthy, stable relationships. They handle conflict constructively, express emotions openly, and trust their partners without excessive fear or avoidance.
✅ Example: Alex and Sam have disagreements but talk things through calmly. They listen to each other, validate emotions, and find solutions together.
💡 How to Cultivate It: If you struggle with insecurity in relationships, focus on open communication, self-soothing, and building trust gradually.
Anxious Attachment: The Fear of Abandonment
Characteristics:
⚠️ Craves closeness but fears rejection.
⚠️ Overthinks their partner’s actions.
⚠️ Needs frequent reassurance.
⚠️ Struggles with emotional regulation.
How It Develops: As children, people with anxious attachment may have had inconsistent caregivers—sometimes loving, other times unavailable. This unpredictability creates deep fears of abandonment.
How It Affects Relationships: Anxiously attached individuals may become clingy, overly sensitive to changes in their partner’s behaviour, or constantly seek reassurance.
🚩 Example: Jamie worries when their partner, Taylor, doesn’t text back immediately. They assume Taylor is upset and overanalyze the situation, even though nothing is wrong.
💡 How to Work on It:
Learn self-soothing techniques to manage anxiety.
Communicate needs without overwhelming your partner.
Work on self-worth and recognize that love doesn’t need constant proof.
Avoidant Attachment: The Fear of Intimacy
Characteristics:
⚠️ Prefers emotional distance.
⚠️ Struggles with vulnerability.
⚠️ Prioritizes independence over connection.
⚠️ Feels suffocated by closeness.
How It Develops: Avoidantly attached individuals often had emotionally distant caregivers who discouraged emotional expression. As a result, they learned to self-soothe and avoid relying on others.
How It Affects Relationships: People with avoidant attachment push partners away when things get too close, struggle with expressing emotions, and may feel trapped in relationships.
🚩 Example: Jordan feels uncomfortable when their partner, Alex, wants deep emotional conversations. Jordan withdraws, causing tension in the relationship.
💡 How to Work on It:
Challenge beliefs about vulnerability being “weak.”
Practice expressing emotions in small ways.
Work on accepting love and reassurance without feeling smothered.
Disorganized Attachment: The Push-Pull Dynamic
Characteristics:
⚠️ Wants closeness but fears it.
⚠️ Struggles with emotional regulation.
⚠️ Experiences intense relationship highs and lows.
⚠️ May have unresolved trauma.
How It Develops: Disorganized attachment often stems from childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. A caregiver may have been both a source of comfort and fear, leading to confusing emotional responses in adulthood.
How It Affects Relationships: This style creates intense, chaotic relationships. The person seeks closeness but also pushes their partner away due to unresolved fears of being hurt.
🚩 Example: Taylor feels deeply connected to Jamie but suddenly pulls away without explanation. Their emotions swing between love and fear, making the relationship unpredictable.
💡 How to Work on It:
Therapy can help process past trauma and rebuild trust in relationships.
Mindfulness techniques can help manage emotional swings.
Safe, consistent relationships can promote healing over time.
Can You Change Your Attachment Style?
Yes! While attachment styles develop in childhood, they are not fixed. With self-awareness, therapy, and intentional relationship practices, people can move toward a more secure attachment style.
Steps to Build a Secure Attachment Style:
✅ Identify your attachment patterns.
✅ Communicate needs clearly and assertively.
✅ Challenge negative beliefs about relationships.
✅ Work on self-worth outside of a relationship.
✅ Seek therapy to process past attachment wounds.
Final Thoughts: Self-Awareness Creates Healthier Relationships
Understanding your attachment style is one of the most powerful tools for improving relationships. Whether you’re secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, knowing your patterns allows you to make conscious changes and build stronger, more fulfilling connections.
If you recognize attachment challenges in your relationships, therapy can help you heal past wounds, improve communication, and create healthier connections.
Want to explore your attachment style and how it affects your relationships? Let’s talk.
📞 613-316-6099, info@catharsistherapy.ca
Grishma Dahal is a couple’s therapist at Catharsis Psychology and Psychotherapy.
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